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Thread: RedWine jokes (18+)

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    Cool RedWine jokes (18+)

    While making love, he says:
    - Darling, let's do 68!
    - 68??? What's that?
    - You do it to me and I'll owe you one.


    Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
    - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
    As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
    - Gorgonzola!
    - Wait, it is not on yet.



    Two friends:
    - Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
    - Of course! How many people are coming?
    - Three, if you bring your girlfriend.



    A little boy asked his mother:
    - Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
    - Donít even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you donít bark.




    One woman stops a taxi.
    - To the airport, please.
    After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
    - You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
    - Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
    - Well, you havenít arrived to the airport yet neither.



    One man calls emergency:
    - Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
    After five minutes, the same man calls back:
    - It is OK, I found another one.


    Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
    - Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
    - You know, my son, I didnít care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
    After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
    - Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
    - Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    - Why farmers have it bigger than the guys from city?
    - ???
    - Because they haven't had toys!


    Two girls:
    - Which is the best contraceptive?
    - An aspirin.
    - ???
    - Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.



    A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
    - "**** it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.
    Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
    - "**** it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.



    A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.
    - What are you doing?
    - I'm masturbating.
    - Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all?
    - Yes, each time I miss it.


    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
    - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
    - Did you dance much?
    - I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."




  3. #3
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    lol

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    Member RoadRunner's Avatar
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    lol
    A Good Friend Would Come And Bail You Out Of Jail..
    But A Real Friend Would Be Sitting Next to You, Saying:
    "Damn.. That Was Fun."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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    lol

  6. #6
    lolllllllllllllllllll
    Emroz fardayest ke deroz galeash mikardim.

  7. #7

    Re: RedWine jokes (18+)

    Quote Originally Posted by RedWine
    Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
    - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
    As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
    - Gorgonzola!
    - Wait, it is not on yet.

    Thatīs a good one

  8. #8
    What lies in the corner and rattles?

    pinocchio busy with masturbating!

  9. #9
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

    A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

    A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

    And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
    - - -

    what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

    8. See if they could finally do the splits.

    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

    4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

    3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

    And. . .

    what women would do if they had a penis for a day
    10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

    9. Get a blow job.

    8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

    7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

    6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

    5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

    4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

    3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

    2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

    1. Repeat number 9......

  10. #10
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    loooooooooooooooooool kheili bahal boodan

  11. #11
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    the perfect day
    The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

    The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep




  12. #12
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

    "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

    "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"




  13. #13
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    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL @ Perfect Day - Him

    Bad nagzare loooool

  14. #14
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne.
    He walks straight up to the madam, drops $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a Devon sandwich!"

    The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

    The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny, I'm homesick."




  15. #15
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

    After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

    "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

    "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

    "He's an *******," John said. "Piss on him."

    "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

    "Well, screw him!" said John.

    "I did. You're back at work on Monday.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    Check your Dirty IQ!
    Questions:

    1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

    2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

    3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

    4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

    5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

    6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

    7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

    8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

    9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

    10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

    Answers:

    1. a dentist
    2. a wedding ring
    3. peanut butter
    4.chewing gum
    5. an elevator
    6. a nose
    7. a newspaper boy
    8. a glove
    9. a crane
    10. a toothbrush, of course!

    Now Really! Just what were you thinking?




  17. #17
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    looooooooooooooooooooooool Red! Omg!

  18. #18
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    LoL
    Last edited by Rasputin; 11-19-2005 at 04:50 AM.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Rasputin's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
    After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

    'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

    "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

    "That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

    "I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"




  20. #20
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    loooooooooooooooool Red

  21. #21
    Member Riaz's Avatar
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  22. #22
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    RIAZ MAGE NAKHOONDI JOKE HAA 18+ HASTAN.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by IQ
    RIAZ MAGE NAKHOONDI JOKE HAA 18+ HASTAN.

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

    Riaz, IQ rast mige, ki be to goft biyai inja

  24. #24
    Member Riaz's Avatar
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    khodet gofti nazanin. yadet miad too general forum yek joke gozashtam badesh toh gofti "looooool riaz jan bizamat ino copy/paste beh forume persian jokes barayeh bozorgaa"
    ghabl az oon ke inja nayoomadam!

    khejalat bekesh Nazanin mano corrupt kardi.

  25. #25
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    bet goftam oun joke ro copy/paste koni too joke bara bozorga chon 1- tooye GENERAL section zade boodish, & 2- chon ye kami sen bala bood. Dige nagpftam inja moondegaar sho

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